WYSIWYG

Last few weeks and months i have been preparing for gigs. I just did not believe how stressful i was till the days of the gig itself. Most of it just does not seem real. I'm going to vietnam for a casino opening man! Woohoo! And just today i completed one with MOMO & LGF. thanks goodness. One hurdle down. 2 to 3 more to go.... I think i'm losing my brains man so tired that i can't sleep.

Wish that one never came back, was one thing i wish for. Cause of ignorance! Taking bulls!@# chances! But well got to see what happens. Just wish i had my own home and a place of quietness to rest my body. Now teaching in a music school. More like an assistant instructor. Not a qualified teacher at all. Well made new friends! bonding more with other musicians and new people in church! Cool lets just see what happens!

the girls of today are nothing but WANTING to be LIKE Marilyn Monroe & Gia Marie Carangi!

Some friends have gotten married in the past few years. I know we all do have problems but we should be able to work things out in any type of relationship. Some times I feel that it might not even be the person close to you, or even just being friends. We should all work it out. Seems that even if married, half of the people I know still play the GAME when their are suppose to be out of it! It make me feel sad to say that now a days love is just a fake, a facade, a mask for showing what man has in his or her pocket, like a proving ground. I think i would still stay single cause if it is not worth it for marriage then don't.

Lets just start by how much i hate to see backstabbers, two-faced, ignorant, pure dramatic and pretentious people! And more of comes from church and family members. True enough he or she thinks they have the right of way, which i think is just bull. Cause for intend does not work with me. Neither face, friend nor family. Politically correct, but respectfully wrong. Well if she/he thinks just because your older does not mean you have it! Know it all base. Live your life to know what goes on and off about how things really work. Damn man insecurity is one thing you can't move on from if you don't know how to solve it in the first place. By talking and not arguing. Points have to be taken. 40 and you think your a mother fuck no you just married that all like last two years. And just gave birth. Calm you ain't you just like to sit there watch how her man does things. BLAME IT ON THE PAST. DUDE WAKE MAN you already have a family! holy jackass is all i call it. Even if they know what I am talking about they would think they know about everything about. Well sad to say: no you don't suck my dick man!

Your age does not mean anything when you don't even know what is real and what is fake! Dude, you don't get this in books. IF YOU ARE DOING IT FOR THE SICK OF DOING IT, THEN DON"T DO IT! Don't your own time and energy and don't waste ours! Its always goes downhill from where ever you start from! Perfect?! overrated! Get a Real life! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES. SORRY?! nah~ here's what i think - try somebody else!

Ok reasons will be reasons but why do thing that other people like when we all can do our own stuff? Hmmm cause of wht we all see I just don't want to see my past and ya we all want to move on. Plausible to the extend the market will be a hard one and harder to move in this industry of the thing called music. European and the western may have the mark cause they embrace this in their life style but the Asian countries are tyring har to keep up. And it is sad to see Chinese market just copying the standards of the western world, sad! Yes we all love western rock and roll and other stuff, but even so they are running on fame. So artist don't but most do. If i want to conquer the market to make it big i would be making it myself hard work and most of all determination and stamina to keep up with what i can and cannot do. But i really just don't care about what others think about the music anymore we all got our own feel and plots in other way of thought. Not letting them step on my foot. I would push myself as much as for studies and quality in what i do best sing, play drums, guitar, piano, bass, for what it is i would want to achieve whatever i can do for now but once i got a song or songs out. I'll not regret anything that i have done to make it to that level. And most of all i would be praising my parents and friends who have given me a hand in the side of creativity and duly noted in whatever things they have helped me in. Disagreements will there but F it! i do what i need to do first!

Don't want to care just need to do my own thing and do what i need to do. Nobody listens to anyways even if i die i would still be call the most self-fish man around. Well maybe i am and i don't know how long it takes to get there - like proper prospect in life of B-S Living like a duke / rich ass life style. I realized one thing and its. The life styles are just made with human culture..... THAT'S IT! What else is that finer things in life you still have to walk to your destination. Ain't that so! Why can't we all live simple and not have like dividing things just because one just one to get ahead! Everything from there falls apart. Hmmmmm I think chaser will not end to be the number one in everything which hell starts from there. And not for i just hate when everything has to be a competition! Doesn't make your skill better or even just to gloated. Damn man we All ARE FAKE MY GOODNESS!!!

I don't fit the mark at all! Don't know who am I, What am I & what I'm supposed to be to others!

If only i don't bend & break. I'll meet you on the other side. I'll meet you in the light. When the news came i was not shocked. I was still in the main state of stoning. But still happy for that person. And i know i can't support what that person has, to make things work. Sad to say it but i have too. Will have to wait till aug to know weather the the the date sad was true! Wish i had some one like that. LOL! But what do i know.... hmmm. Sad i still haven't found why i was dumped/left without a reason. i'm useless as always!

Woke up in beads of sweat and does not help even if i try to sleep. What freaky dream i playing some console games something like fighting demons sort of game. Then after that i was in the game it-self. And then i was in a bar. Then there was this lady who started laughing so loud that the whole place just became a laughing frenzy demonic and distorted faces showed while one by one the laughter made them more mad in laughter. Then the frames skip to the part where i see the demon which is i see in the dark. Funny thing i wasn't not effect but of course scary. He was a true demon Jackle! Then i just woke up! Damn freaky!

I really wish i was floating past this bull life. its just another lie to be dealt with can't focus any more.

My parents are damn funny if i don't they make noise. And if i do work they say why aren't you home right after work. Damn man i think i'm fit to just not care and stay at home rot to say that won't get in to trouble. Irony, the more they want me to what they want me to do it just gets worst! It's like never ever will i want to see my heart suffer so i just left it that i would not find a job to piss their freaking ass off and lie to them that i was doing some bull biz trading and i just want to survive proper on my own! Why always the complaining and useless mindless crap my parents are giving me man. I work events they not happy work for as cleaner they why you choose that job. Now its just why don't get a job. Why am i so stupid. LET JUST SAY I GIVE UP UP IF THEY CAN'T SHUT_UP! More like i try so hard to be somebody I'm not! And Its just making me sick! Really sick! If i go back to this Sick society i might really lose it man!

What fits in to this perfect world? So much that it ain't happening anymore. I'm freaking tired can this ever change if the people around me would leave the past behind and let me move. Meeting old school friends are like meeting the parent for the first time we all are fake ALL ARE FAKE!!!!!! SAD but true! How much more can i take this crap! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Irony of reading two journals at the same time... One want to find peace and solace and one wants to get attached badly.... Sad to the one that wants to get attached can't unless she makes her own move as that person has left the games played to one side..... The other who is finding peace and solace has not found any cause that person is just chasing to find it, and really it doesn't work that way. One word of advice, do bother cause your really just stuck in a Forsaken life of bullshit culture and bull standards that every want to have financial freedom and living it UP. If you get want i mean! Its just that they will all never listen and care to know what is the truth behind it all!!

I just hope to make things work and make ends meet. If anything goes wrong in the family at this time and age! During this post of money crumbling and recession. Put minds and hearts in working action but seems that i just don't want to move and I have no air to breath. I just want it to be quiet and swift. Do my own thing work at my own pace is there something wrong with their minds today?

What is it? To be having a stable job? : Money! financial freedom! yah! But at the expense of this world to be worker for people who eat money out of our pockets. And take advantage of it! And spoil our passion for real living. Does water belong to anybody? Does the air we breath belong to anybody? Well simple questions like that would make you think about what other people are doing to you.

Now just more power hungry people are out there and I pray these people would get struck down by GOD!

Bought into a standard that doesn't mean a thing sad to say this world has just gone !@#$. Ain't no other way to say it cause it really doesn't make anymore importance. For real love you give up anything to be with the one you loved. Not knowing what the future holds, you run with it. But then when one fails to see things. He or she is blinded by what they know only. Thus making yourself sound like an idiot would make other look down on you. I Do ACT DUMB so that i throw people off so that they really don't know who i am. Well if anybody reads this then they would what i feel. To cut this bullshit short. The positions in life, love and religion I find is still bullshit. Its either you got the knowledge or you have none. Either you got the wealth or you don't. Either you GOT IT or You DON'T! Can people start just living simple is it just so hard to ask just because you were born with a silver or gold spoon in your mouth. We are all still freaking human being made up to skin, blood, flesh and bone. We are not animals. Please be fair. Power isn't everything till you know it well enough to control it!

Falling and falling and falling....... Damn i only know that person for like less then three months and i am falling hard real hard damn. With things going on around me now i guess i really should be working. But i really could not be bother about chasing cause it really get me no where. And i will never learn anything in the end. A major turn of a cycle makes me want to sit back and not care just live free and not a care in the world. To be employed is like: To be a Gladiator is to pawn death as like a slave fulfilling his master wish and deeds.

Sad as it may seem things are changing really fast and this forsaken place has left me wondering what things that are important really mean. And what people really mean nowadays i just don't care anymore. One Word a voice unheard you can change the world. I thank God new friends and for opening my views. I still can't feel anything yet. Lost it again and again my drive to excel is still lost in space and time and in spirit. Maybe its just me.

Zombiefied to this culture nation and society. I'm lost for there was no identity to begin with.

Why am I still  chasing for something i can't handle and i can't up keep to. Well i still just feel to lonely and i am a cockster!

What a drag in fact for all things that don't matter. Is everybody just trying to just make the next big thing or are we just the pop culture.....? May be we are just trying to hard to be pop stars and crap like that. Sorry to say i will never trade my passions for bull-crap pop..... I would rather be at home working on music that really can talk to people and make your instrument talk and hit hit then hard like a iron ball hitting you head and heart for every 1 sec.......   Another rat race for people who don't know what to do but just follow blindly.... sad but true.......

Watching the Godfather for the first time puts you in lace man. Like a ball of string. These things in life will never change. The movement of man and his sin sin and biz. The morales of the family make it seem strong but it always has a loop hole in its own family systems which has alot of things that can't be said in the open besides its biz and formalities. Screw drugs in truth, its a real selfish act. towards anybody. In this like people will not understand the morales and values of what can be kept or whtat can't be kept. Sad ain't it. Force into something that is not yours then i will not say a word.